He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
