Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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