Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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