My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
