Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
