I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
