Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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