shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
