No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
