Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
