Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
