Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
