My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
