i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
