i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
