i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
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