Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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