Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.