i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
