Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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