maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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