Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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