i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
