Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
