first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
