I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
