When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
