My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
