based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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