Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
