Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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