I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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