oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
