Got a toothbrush?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
