and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I smell like Dick and happiness
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
