Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
