I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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