it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
