please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
