I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
