ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
