We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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