see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
