***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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