Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
