So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
