i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
