I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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