god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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