at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
