mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
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I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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