its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't put those talents on a resume
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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