Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
