dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.