Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again