Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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