Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.