All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
