dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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