Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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