"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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