girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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