I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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