I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
