I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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